12 Ways Parents Can Help Their Teens Open Up to a

12 Ways Parents Can Help Their Teens Open Up to a World Beyond Themselves


By Paulo Machado
Wilmington Friends Middle School Visual Arts Teacher

It is not easy for young teenagers to see beyond themselves. This is a time in their lives when, almost unconsciously, they focus their attention on their dramatic physical, cognitive, and social-emotional growth changes. According to Chip Wood, the co-founder of Northeast Foundation For Children and author of Yardsticks, among a number of typical characteristics of this age, we find that young teenagers:
  • love to be left alone in their rooms;
  • are very much concerned with personal appearance;
  • are unconcerned about the neatness of their personal environment;
  • like to challenge authority;
  • tend to answer their parents with a single word;
  • are attracted to their peers;
  • distance themselves from authority figures;
  • seem to know it all;
  • take pleasure in developing individual skills; and
  • can think globally but often can’t act locally.

As a parent of a young female teenager, I can attest to all these traits.
 
There are many ways we can help our children brave their storm of change. However, I would like to share some strategies that parents can use to inspire their teenagers to slowly open up to a world beyond self-interest alone. The hope is that these suggestions will guide your teenager to uncover and expand their idea of self as something inseparable from the realities of community and otherness.

1. Share an inspiring story of altruism.

Have you seen a movie with an inspiring storyline? Read a book/article/story about someone’s effort to make a positive difference in the life of others? Share it with your teen. If you sense that your child got something out of it, encourage her to share that excitement in school/class meeting/advisory/meeting. Maybe she could start a committee to explore the issue further with like-minded students. Passing along felt inspiration is a wonderful opportunity for your teen to connect with others beyond predictable peer interactions.

2. Encourage your teen to make a habit of helping.

Discuss why you decided to send a check to tsunami victims, but also help your child see need nearby, not just on the other side of the ocean. Start a small garden with your teen, tend to it, harvest it, and share the produce with a local food pantry. Love to cook? Prepare a couple of meals together and give them away. Your teen has fifteen pairs of sneakers in his closet? Ask him how many he really needs? Give the rest away.

3. Coach your teen to budget with giving in mind.

Did you give your teen twenty dollars? Ask her to keep fifteen and to give five away to someone in need. Show her how she can invest in canned beans, find a local pantry or someone in need, and give them away. Discuss with your teen how we can be intentional in our giving – who will benefit from our giving? Help your teen to develop the habit of giving as anonymously as possible. The reward is in the intention of giving.

4. Help your teen nurture relationships.

Start with your family. Is there a sick family member? An elderly person? A newborn? Help your teen reach out and make him/herself available. A simple phone call can be a wonderful start. When we relate to what another is going through, we are being empathetic. Go visit, listen, and be present. Help your teen be interested in knowing more about his family history – he is not the center of it all.

5. Ask your teen questions about survival.

Ask your teen: Did you ever wonder about who keeps you alive? Who produces your food? Who produces food locally? How do they do it? What does it take? Encourage them to go visit these places. Who takes care of the water you drink? Who helps keep the air you breath clean? Who keeps an eye on the health of the river? Who protects wildlife? Who speaks for the trees? Do you know who really makes the world run for you? Who is working on our addition? Who cuts our grass? Who is our plumber? Who is remodeling your bathroom? Who is your coach? Doctor? Teacher? Encourage your teen to get to know them, what they do, and to learn their stories.

6. Encourage your teen to write with healing in mind.

Ask your teen to write a message to someone who you suspect is having a hard time, and pass it along anonymously. A simple note acknowledging that you noticed someone’s pain builds the empathy muscle and helps in healing someone else.

7. Make a field trip with your teen to local helping communities.

Skip the soccer game this Saturday morning. Inquire about who is helping who. Is there an organized charity? What do they do? How do they do it? Don’t worry so much if their religious affiliation does not match yours – they are a channel for giving to people in need. Offer to help for a couple of hours once a month. Invite your teen to contact or visit the township – encourage him to inquire about what is going on? How can I help? Are there any community actions coming up that I can contribute to?

8. Help your teen keep track of major ongoing survival challenges.

Armed conflicts, natural disasters, and refugee crises are important opportunities for giving. Encourage your teen to know about the reasons behind the different types of crisis and suffering. Have a conversation about how the people affected may be feeling, and the impact of disaster on the environment. Homelessness and poverty are often just around the corner. Inspire your teen to do something for the people in need that she sees on a daily commute to school.

9. Encourage your teen to document his compassion and share it.

Your teen could make a video about an issue close to her heart or about a need event that keeps recurring. Encourage her to share her concerns with a wider audience; inspiring others to be compassionate is an act of compassion. Maybe she could start a website/blog about that very issue, or use her locker door and her desktop as an advertising platform for that idea. To advertise one’s interest in generosity and compassion is advertising at its best.

10. Ask your teen about who is doing something for others that she admires.

Ask: Do you know someone who is doing something to help others that you think is really cool? What are they doing? What are the outcomes? Know more about their story and motivations. Do you feel inspired? Work on those feelings; do not let them just dissipate.

11. Be a champion of the wonders of the world.

Help your teenager see the web of life. Point out the variety of life forms that surround us. Celebrate a rainy day as the necessary condition to grow food. Celebrate the seasons as a reminder of a much larger organism that we’re part of. Came across a quiet creek? Sit down with your teen for a moment and just listen and observe. Is it a great starry night? Invite your teen to sit outside and just let it in.

12. Foster gratitude.

Finally, encourage your teen to be thankful for what he has been given. Every day. Maybe you will need to model it. It might just be that one of your greatest gifts to your teen at this time in her life is helping her to recognize the fact that nothing in this world is self-sustaining.

References:
Wood, Chip (2007). Yardsticks. Children in the classroom, Ages 4-44. Northeast Foundation for Children, Inc.
Paulo Machado is Head of the Visual Arts Department and has been teaching at Friends since 2006. He has a B.F.A. from the University of Maryland and an M.F.A. from the Maryland Institute College of Art.
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